The couch is strategically place at the perfect angle for viewing both the sentimentally decorated tree in front of the window as well as the TV. The dishes and laundry are all clean and stored in their place. The beds are made with cute little throw pillows and stuffed animals. Christmas is sprinkled through out the house bringing warms and the holiday glow. The sun beams in the open shades into each room staged for a magazine shoot.
Then is hits.
Spewing from my lower gut. Refusing me that freshly made waffle. I dare not open my mouth or all of me might gush out onto the floor. Tears try to form but I can't make a sound. The twirling in my stomach wants to irrupt. I hold it in.
Turn on all the lights. Position nicknacks to appear naturally placed. Fold the blanket with much purpose and toss it across the back of the couching hoping it looks hap-haphazardly.
Pause. Deep breath. Gaze at the ceiling in disbelief.
Continue meticulously combing through every element of each room. Smell checking. Fluff. Rotate. Unlock. Dust.
My mind can't leave it. My attempt at OCD cannot hide my sin. No words can make this ooozing of humanity stop or even slow. I am nauseous. Defeated. Discussed.
I want to give up. I want to curl up in a ball and cry out my excuses to justify myself; to make the hurt go away. My bones ache with the sin eating away at them. I want to delete the ugliness everyone has seen. That my God, whom I claim to love with all my being, has seen.
Life does not work that way. We cannot pretend our sin has no effect.
Now what? My inner most parts irrupt with remorse but it does not take it away. Do I sit immoveable by guilt? I want to...Satan wins.
Then WHAT? What do I do now? I know I have been forgiven. For this very sin. 15 years ago- He said past, present, future; All Forgiven. I press forward. Surrendered. I have nothing aside from His grace.
Redeem my sinfulness. Make little of me. Make much of you so they may only say, "Hallelujah! Look What God Can Do!"