Sometimes…I Fart

I know you are all beyond shocked that I would confess such a thing but I do.
Sometimes, I fart.

I'm not sure exactly why. Maybe it started with the "gas-redeemer" back in elementary school? But I've always been beyond embarrassed to toot in front of people. Accident or not. You know, some people {even girls} are comfortable in the confines of their own home, letting a lil gas pass. I...I am not.

My husband, who we all know is an abnormal version of man, has learned this about me. Back when we were dating or maybe engaged, he heard me toot. YEP! We were at Wal-Mart, I squatted down to look at something, and Toot. I had no idea it was coming and was sooooo mortified. He giggled and it was over.

Several years later...I did it again. We will have been married 10 years this May.

Over this past year, I have been a farting machine. I blame it on the c-sections where they cut you open, fill you with air bubbles and then sew ya shut... Anyways, right after I became pregnant with Ellie, my body started stirring up some mean, painful gas bubbles. One night, I was already in bed and Matt was brushing his teeth. I was in pain. I thought long and hard then wrongfully decided to let a toot come out for some relief and boy did it. Matt shot out of the bathroom, toothbrush still hanging out of his mouth, cracking up, "Was That YOU!?!"

I could have crawled under the covers and died right there. My face was cooking from blushing so extremely. I for real almost cried.

Matt still thought this was hilarious and didn't understand why I was nearly in tears. "I've heard you fart all of 2 times in all our time together. This is funny!"

Now, lets not get carried away here. I toot. I do tent to toot in front of my kids and just say excuse me but that's not common. I allow myself to toot in the bathroom as well. I have a hard time even then if I think someone might hear me; Especially my husband but I've had to allow it or I would Explode. I love that he claims he's only heard me toot 3 times in our entire existence. Yeah. Right.

This pregnancy has been the hardest in lots of ways. Gas is just one of those ways. I have had restless nights at home because I awake from a dead sleep because I tooted next to my husband in bed, fearing he heard me and would think I'm discussing. I was even terrified to attend Allume and sleep with strangers because I just knew I was going to fart on her in my sleep. I'm pretty sure I overdosed on gas-X the entire weekend.

Yep. My amazing husband has suddenly become a "selective listener". I know most women would be angry about this but I truly believe his "selectiveness" is just one more way he loves me like Christ.