I can't sleep lately. I'm believing that in this new year, God will continue to use me. The broken down old tool that I am. So, in my confusion and pain, I chose to write as a way to figure out what I'm feeling and what God's teaching me through it. I'm gonna throw out there this very rough, raw, without revision rambling, in case someone else needs this promise.
Jesus went across the Sea of Galilee in a boat. It landed at the other side. There a large crowd gathered around Him. Then a man named Jairus came. He was a synagogue ruler. Seeing Jesus, he fell at his feet. He begged Jesus, “Please come. My little daughter is dying. Place your hands on her to heal her. Then she will live.” So Jesus went with him. - Mark 5:21-24a
I've come to Jesus telling him exactly how I see He needs to "heal" my situation. I am Jairus. Knowing, believing that Jesus is the One who I need to fix life. I demand how I see fit for Him to heal my daughter. My "Place your hands on her to heal her." comes out in:::
- Make my husband gaga for me. Have him want to help me more with my responsibilities. Make dates a more regular thing. Make our time together meaningful.
- Make my child want to read. Let me do the bare minimum in prep but let their lover for learning take off. Let me feel accomplished with little to no work after my initial thinking through of the school year.
- Fix foster children's issues that are exhausting. Let new placements be well-behaved. Make their case move faster. Give my family our forever child(ren).
- Make the valley flourish. Make people care about what I care about. Take responsibilities off me. Make those we've sought to minister to come be apart. Find us leaders. Send us believers to chase you with, to renew our spirits, to energize our dry bones.
- Give me energy. Make their more time for "me time". Give me passion again.
While Jesus was still speaking, some people came from the house of Jairus. He was the synagogue ruler. “Your daughter is dead,” they said. “Why bother (Jesus) the teacher anymore?” - Mark 5:35
I am Jairus in my demanding. I'll find a way to fix this myself."She's dead. Don't bother." I say with my:::
- I'll find babysitters all the time. I'll complain to make him do what I feel I need.
- I'll start a coop. I'll add more specials to my children's school work. I'll plan more field trips.
- I'll take on new placements with no break. I'll try new discipline methods. I'll add chores. I'll take chores away. I'll hope for a new placement. I'll hope this one stays.
- I'll start working here. I'll write a book. I'll blog more. I'll redo more furniture. I'll sell this and that.
- I'll paint something. I'll reorganize something. I'll purge something. I'll craft more. I'll make more me time.
After my demanding didn't work, I become the mourners left at Jairus' house.
Why bother Jesus any more. It's already dead. Jesus missed the opportunities I specifically ask for and now I'll try to fix it myself but I know it's just d.e.a.d.
But Jesus didn’t listen to them. He told (Jairus) the synagogue ruler, “Don’t be afraid. Just believe.” - Mark 5:36
Hallelujah! Jesus. Didn't. Listen!!! He said don't be afraid. JUST BELIEVE!
I'm waiting for my next part of the story. For now. I sit with the mourners, staring at the death around me trying to not be afraid and to believe for Jesus' healing. His miracle. It feels like the 400 years of waiting the people in Jesus' day between prophets and miracles. It feels unbelievable that a fresh breath is coming. But Jesus promises: Just Believe.
Jesus) let only Peter, James, and John, the brother of James, follow Him. They came to the home of the synagogue ruler. There Jesus saw a lot of confusion. People were crying and sobbing loudly. He went inside. Then He said to them, “Why all this confusion and sobbing? The child is not dead. She is only sleeping.” But they laughed at Him.
He made them all go outside. He took only the child’s father and mother and the disciples who were with Him. And He went in where the child was. He took her by the hand. Then He said to her, “Talitha koum!” This means, “Little girl, I say to you, get up!” The girl was 12 years old. Right away she stood up and walked around. They were totally amazed at this. Jesus gave strict orders not to let anyone know what had happened. And He told them to give her something to eat. - Mark 5:37-43
I'm holding tight to what God's given me tonight as my next step. I've been taught that in the waiting you just go back to the last thing God told you to do. "Driver's Ed Rules": just keep driving straight until told otherwise. He is allowing me and a select few to follow him to the "synagogue ruler's house". Many around us will be confused and sobbing. Jesus is going to take us right where he wants us- into Talitha's room. I'm trusting that this long, enduring drive will be well worth the wait when Jesus heals my marriage, my parenting, my callings, ME.
When we get there, Jesus is going to command her, sweet child awaken! Jesus will reach into death and pull her [it. all of it] back to life. She will stand and walk around as joy fills our hearts at the sight of the amazement only Jesus could bring. Then? Then she's gonna be hungry and we better be ready to work at finding her something to eat.