I wanna quit. My kids are getting dumber.
I've had this urge this entire school year. I keep looking for all the reasons my kids don't need me as their teacher. Missional living seems to be the one satan is using most often but God's not letting this go. "It would be so much easier to love on people if we were in public school" doesn't seem to be a good excuse for Him.
Today I banished my children to the backyard for "recess" after blowing up multiple times for Not. Following. Directions.
My insides hurt. Do any of your insides just hurt so bad they bust out of your body in the form of tears after temper tantrums haven't done the trick? I'm using their time of banishment to try to figure out why I'm supposed to be doing this homeschool thing. They aren't learning anything. If they are, it's seemingly counterproductive. I've even pointed myself back to- my intention for homeschooling is not to make them geniuses or scholars but to more fully I can fulfill my purpose as their mother, teach them that God loves them and we should follow Him to find life. But am I? Am I really teaching them to see God in the true light of HIS character as their awful teacher?
What letter are we learning about this week?
{blank stares}
What letter have we been talking about?
G!
No. What comes after G?
{blank stares}
A. B. C. D. E. F. G..........H!
{murmur} H
We are working on the next page in your H book. We are going to color the letter Hh, then cut it into a puzzle, then we are going to put the capital letter H puzzle together in this box and the lower case one in this box, and then glue them down.
I turn my back to help Mags start work.
Scribbled boxes everywhere, glued pieced in random places, blacked out box with no sign of the letter H behind the brown.
I tried to pull the pieces off to help her try again but there was no turning back. The same goes for the giant brown square. I give them a different sheet to work on and go to print new pages...which of course takes forever because my computer and printer hate me.
I return and decide to walk them through the page on step at a time. Color only the Hh. Trace them to show me where the Hh is. What letter? H. Where is it? Yes! You just traced it. Good. Color only inside the lines of the Hh.
Jamin is utterly confused and continues to freak out because he doesn't know where the Hh is that he is supposed to color.
I turn my back to work on the sticker chart because obviously we're going to need some reinforcement today. When I turn back around I find Izzie is cutting. Not only cutting even though she wasn't instructed to but cutting the Hh out rather than on the lines to create the puzzle pieces.
I correct Izzie and tell her she looses a sticker for not following directions.
She cries.
Jamin finishes coloring and start making fringe along the edge of the paper while I'm dealing with Izzie. Sticker lost.
I want to pop off little heads because I have taught them nothing. Nothing other than my pleasure in them is dictated by their behavior and therefor is a portraying Jesus as a behavior based god. Why am I doing this? The thing I'm trying to target, spiritual growth, biblical knowledge, correct portrait of God, I'm jacking it up.
My kids are running a tyranny in the backyard as I type. Who did they learn that from? me.
All I keep thinking is, "If they were in school, someone else would be teaching them to follow only the directions given, color instead of scribble, SIT, not talk, wait their turn to be helped with work, understand that they can't have someone's undivided attention, and to Follow Directions." Yeah, all those things public school parents think or even say aloud to be off-handed, "Yeah, if they were in school they'd get in trouble for or learn to do _____."
Then, I write those words I realize, someone else would be teaching them those things. And the thing about that sentence that's worse than the someone else is the those things. I often forget that my actions teach them what to expect from others but more importantly teach them how to life.
I don't want my kids to only follow the directions given. I want them to learn initiative, anticipate what's next, see what needs to be done and try it even if that means you might fail.
I don't want my kids to color instead of scribble. I want them to always think outside the box because my God is bigger than any form we could ever imagine.
I don't want my kids to sit ad not talk. I want them to burst with energy and talk through things.
I don't want my kids to wait on help. I want them to beg for help unhindered; with no fear that God will shoot them down the moment they need help.
I don't want my kids to believe they can't have undivided attention. I want them to know God has the ability to give them His undivided attention and is always waiting for them to come to him.
I DO want them to follow directions. God will always be at work in their lives. Sometimes it will be easy 1. 2. 3. steps that make us feel accomplished and smart. Other times the directions will be hurry up and wait. Complete 1. and anticipate 2. Listening clearly and following directions first time is a vital part of spiritual growth. It involves patient listening and immediate action.
I guess letter Hh week stands for humility. Now that I've stopped blubbering and God's redirected me, I guess I'm going to listen to His gentle directions and act with humbleness as I go apologize to my kids, do a fun Hh craft, and start lunch.
My kids don't need me as their teacher. They will become dumber. They will follow the ways of the world...if I'm not life-long-learning from my teacher and teaching them to look to Him rather than me for their learning as well.
