Insecurity

The other day, the hubs and I went to the marvelous Chick-Fil-A with our littles. We are still working off “hot-spots” on our phones which means, my part-time job(s) involving nothing but the net suck through our media packages leaving those jobs paying for nothing but the overage charges on the phone bill. Hence the family outing to “chick a lay” for a coke, playground, and the beloved wi-fi!

God had more in mind for us than me getting some work done online. While we were there we encountered several families/friends that we don’t always run into.

Local Ministry Friend

A guy Matt knew from Walnut Ridge, a staffer I met at Super Summer, a dude that is so sweet to keep up with us and our ministry.

Local Recently Engaged Friends from another church

No longer attending the church that helped us launch is weird. We’re not sure who want to stay in contact with us and definitely don’t want to push relationships so people don’t think we expect them to go with us. This couple and their adorable twins are always willing to say hi. So comforting! And we were so excited to tell them congrats!

Out-of-town Family Friends

A fun family we were friends with over 3 years ago and 3+ hours away strolled into “our” Chick-Fil-A. WHAT? This was the family I used to babysit for before/while I was pregnant with Maggie {THAT long ago}. We are so excited to know we are on the vacation path for them and will be a stop on their trips!

{Apparently} Local Friend from High School

This is the one I really don't wanna talk about. I have a feeling I’m not the only one who does this though…that is the Only reason I’m sharing this. You know my goal is to live realness out here in this mystical, seemingly perfect, online world. You know that and make everyone else feel better about themselves 😉

We had just paraded walked in with our littles and headed straight to a back table near the glass window to the playground and right next to the door as to keep an eye on our babes and catch any escape attempts. As soon as the kids had been herded into the playground, removed shoes, and heard the ground rules, I returned to our table and pulled out my laptop to get to work. There’s minimal time before the captives realize, although the cage looks kid friendly & colorful, it is still nothing more than just that…a cage. So, click click click I went.

The first glance up through the glass window to check on my talker who had engaged in serious conversation with the unsuspecting adult who’d placed himself inside the cage, my eyes wandered past the 5-year-old and out the window where people were enjoying the oddly beautiful summer weather on the patio.

“I know her…” I thought as I caught myself staring at girl relaxing and munching on chicken yumminess. I quickly shot my gaze another direction as to not be the weirdo creeping from 2 sets of windows away. I wasn’t quite sure if I really knew her…I have a Terrible memory. Just ask my husband. Wait. Don’t do that; it's just embarrassing.

I couldn’t help myself, every time I went to double-check the littles, my eyes wandered outside. I searched my sad lil memory for a name. Normally I have an awful time not only remembering names but where I know them from. Just hours before I stared at another women, even asking Matt, “How do we know her!?!” This time, I was pretty sure this girl and I had attended high school together. This was a rare and odd occurrence for me. For the last decade {all the years following HS}, I’ve lived a minimum of 4 hours away from my home town. Even when visiting over holidays, I see classmates and can’t recall names.

Worse than that, I am shy…I guess. I never thought of myself as shy but when I see these peers, I most often smile and run the other way. I’m terrified that they won’t know me or if they do, they won’t want to say hello. Maybe it’s just simply insecurity. I can’t remember what kind of relationship we had in high school and I’m pretty sure I was a completely different person then than I am now. Was I a tool to them? A hypocrite? A Pharisee? I once blushed when in Wal-Mart with my mom and an old friend saw me and hugged me…more than once. What is that?

I’m a people watcher. An observer. I’ve always sat on the outside watching {and taking pictures of} things in their natural habitats.. {Hello psychology degree} BUT because of this, I’m never sure how much I knew about people because we had a relationship or because I observed things. {Please don’t be creeped out and run away…}

Wow, that was a really long explanation to say…I didn’t wave, say hi, or go out to visit. I was so worried she would have no idea who I was or care if she did. I did what every sane, not creepy person does. I searched my FB friends. I found her. It was the girl I remembered. She was/is a sweet Christian girl who apparently went to college her in our new town and has called this home ever since, working at the local school. Why didn’t I just wave?

While I had different levels of this tendencies with each of the people we encountered that night, I think the insecurity level of when/where I knew those people from came flaring back. Odd.

Do you have these tendencies of insecurity leading to an outward persona of snot? I told myself when I got a FB that I wasn’t going to live behind insecurity. I was going to “friend” anyone I recognized from high school and start over. I wouldn’t assume they thought I was odd or uncool. Well, the “friending” happened but the interaction didn’t . I’ve fallen back into this state of hiding. That’s no way to live a life for Christ; making disciples will not happen with me hunkered down in my house behind my computer screen. This year is supposed to be purposeful! Insecurity is a HUGE opposition to a purpose filled life. I'll just keep truch’n I guess.