This week has been tough! As many of you may already know, my husband, my sanity, my confidant, my literal other half, has been gone to Super Summer AR for the past 8 days and will finally be home tomorrow afternoon. It's times like these...ugg, when you're squeeeeezed, that your true self oozes out. No energy to "pull it together" or even fake it.
Several conversations with my best friends during this weeks ooze-fest have led me to post my ultimate fail!
Some conversation included a discussion about all the amazing blogs by Christian women I've been reading as well as the bible study I'm in at my church. Awe: The inspiration. The goals. The challenges. The utter disappointment in myself, as a wife, mom, and manager of my home.
Another set of conversations included major venting! Confessions rolled out of my mouth:
"I can't do this anymore! I cried, no, blubbered in my childs room before trying to make my way down stairs to appear unshaken in the eyes of my in-laws. I ignored the crying baby. I snatched up my daughter. I am not engaged with my children. I yell at my children to stop yelling. I lost a piece to my camera that makes it work. I let my kids watch way more than 2 hours a day of TV this week. I just want to hide in my pantry eating cookies. (true story) I love my babes and know God has chosen me to be their 'primary care giver' but I just don't want to today. I ate an entire box of oatmeal cream pies. I am out of Dr Pepper because I've been drinking way more than I should, especially while nursing. I spanked my child and told her we don't hit. My child (3) used the old-school phrase "none ya!" and I am the one she got it from. I can't find peace."
All the while the taunting thoughts, "I want to bottle what she has and bring her amazingness into my home. How does ______ do it?!?"
There it was. The very things I have been using to try to be who God wants me to be dug me deeper into Satan's lie- She has it all together. I was comparing myself to someone else. Wither the comparison is to exalt or belittle, it's wrong. Where another women is in her walk with Christ should have no barring on my relationship with Christ. My friend gently reminded me that "no one has it all together and they just aren't sharing those rough I-wanna-hide-in-the-pantry-eatting-all-the-cookies-in-peace days."
Though I have confessed this list of faults I want to you know that my ULTIMATE FAIL has been leading people, you, to believe I have it all together. Do you ever secretly desire to be that women that people ask, "GIRL, how DO you do it?" I do. I hide all kinds of faults and failures because of this pride built up inside me. I never again want to feel that desire to lead people to believe I have it all together.
Because I don't!
That's just it- GOD does it. Any and Every positive thing about my life is by the grace of God, not because I'm anywhere close to put together.
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Cor. 12:9
Sorry for leading any of you to believe I have it all figured out! I'm sorry if you ever ask yourself, "How does she do it?!?" New commitment: to exposing my weaknesses! Lets be real with one another.
"Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in my weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For When I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Cor. 12:9-10
I am worn out!
I suffer a thorn!
I am undisciplined!
As I am writing this:
I keep flinching every time my stinky dog bangs against the siding on the front porch thinking...I don't know what, is coming to get me. I am fearful.
I am eating my 3-year-olds birthday cookies with a tub of frosting. -Sorry Nanna! Undisciplined.
Where are you on this journey of needing peer approval? Yours may not be the generic, "how does she do it". Do you struggle in with specific aspects of how someone else is pulling something off better?
Leave a comment so that we may "boast all the more gladly about [our] weakness[es], so that Christ's power may rest on [us]" and so we may encourage one another!
i don’t know, julie, you took 3 very small kids in chick-fil-a by yourself. i’m thinking you DO have it all together! 🙂 great post!
I soooo do NOT! Bahahaha Thanks buddy! You do remember they were 1/2 in a coma, right? All part of my prideful plan to appear all together. Plus, Chick-fil-a is a magical loop hole in this world of craziness. A unicorn, for real! Everyone appears to have their junk together in there!
The theme for our week of camp was “perfectly broken” and we learned to moved from piece to peace! Only when we allow God to mold us, heal us, shape us, etc… can we bear witness to the world his love and grace.
Every single mom I know has insecurities and doubts. Not all are brave enough to “blog” them. You are honest and vulnerable and in being open about your struggles you are opening your heart to others!!
I guarantee you that although the days feel like a million hours long when your kids are babies, you will create awesome memories with them. After they get older you definitely miss some of those crazy days and, at times, wish you could turn back the clock.
Hang in there…. let God calm and reassure you. The icing, cookies and Dr. Pepper may not be bad either! Love you!
Thanks for the read and for sharing! I love the encouragement. I’m totally trying to treasure every moment even in the tough days. I already feel like it’s going too fast. The theme of you week of camp sounds like exactly where I am! Love you!!!
I found this post in the nick of time! I can relate to your “how does she do it?!” complex. Today was one of “those days”. Not long after getting home from church, my little one was throwing one heck of a fit, and I threw one right along with her. We were both sobbing. Dirt tired and with a headache, I was in no mood to deal with a child who was just as cranky as I. Seriously, in the midst of my tears I started questioning how in the world God allowed me to become a mother and how my poor children will survive with me for a mom. Then comes the guilt for even thinking it…the comparisons…the pictures of “she” who has it all together, and just makes you feel like a sorry slug!
ANYWAY. just said all of that to say…I relate. Loved your post and found it encouraging. And challenging…to be real and open with our weaknesses. It’s so easy just to type the “wannabe” and happy parts of your life online. You’re not alone. PRAISE GOD for His infinite grace. He is truly the source of all things good. Don’t know what we would do without Him!
Thank you for sharing! 🙂
Thank you so much for sharing your struggles! I’m glad God could use this post when you needed it! I have so had those moments when I question ‘how in the world [would] God allow me to become a mother’! ugg! and Definitely PRAISE GOD for His infinite grace! I’d still be stuck in all this sin with no way out.