Relational Issues within the Church

I've been hurt as well as hurt others recently and in the past a lot. We're humans with dark, wicked, little hearts. It happens. Things are assumed, words are flung, and drama can take over while bitterness sets in if we're not careful. I've learned some things from all this reoccurring drama. Women are so confusing! Hahaha We all know that though. But really, it we an fix things while avoiding drama and bitterness. It's kinda like a flow chart:

Fix-It Flow Chart

I joke, but isn't this our life as Christian women? Waiting for someone to do something thoughtless, selfish, or just dumb. It's exhausting on all kinds of levels. One of the biggest factors I've had to deal with is peoples misconstrued expectations of a relationship. Usually its an unbalanced "friendship" where one person is pulling most of the weight.

Kathy Escobar has an awesome description of relationships with non-believers where she explains how to become incarnation. You may want to look her's explanation but this is how I understand it and think it can be applied to all relationships. Who are you in any given relationship dynamic?

  • Paternal- The person who always assumes the provider roll in a relationship. Does life TO others placing themselves in a position "over" others. Meeting needs in the most logical ways. This creates oppression and set positions.
  • Maternal- The person who always assumes the fix-it roll in a relationship. Does life FOR others placing themselves in a position "under" others. Meeting emotional needs, providing counseling, encouragement, and advise. This creates bondage and codependency.
  • Siblimatic {my word, her's being Incarnational}- The person who gives and takes. Does life WITH people as an equal, leveling the balance of "power".

 

I'm sure identifying these categories in others was easy but did you see yourself in any of these? Some times these are heightened among those relationships we build within the Church. Whether that be with the pastor and his wife or other church members. I've seen it happen over and over again, where people have been or will become de-churched based on relational hurts. Sometimes pressures to be everyone or no one's BFF is heavy on clergy and often relationships are lop-sided- one of those unhealthy dynamics.

Friend or Church Member Check List

The main theme here is give-and-take. I think its hard to admit, we are not really "friends" with everyone we know and I might be the first to tell you this but...That Is Okay. Understanding the dynamic of a relationship can fix poor expectations and avoid drama and or bitterness when those expectations aren't met.

I've both had to admit I can't be everyone's friends as well as not everyone wants to actually be my friend. I have to be alright with this, not become too hard on myself, and take solace in the fact that Jesus had a variety of different types relationships. Jesus was always willing to give more than He took, He was fully God and fully man, therefore we should become self-less in our relationships, avoiding self-righteousness when others don't follow suit.

Do you have any other questions we could ask ourselves in determining our relational dynamics?

 

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