The couch is strategically place at the perfect angle for viewing both the sentimentally decorated tree in front of the window as well as the TV. The dishes and laundry are all clean and stored in their place. The beds are made with cute little throw pillows and stuffed animals. Christmas is sprinkled through out the house bringing warms and the holiday glow. The sun beams in the open shades into each room staged for a magazine shoot.

Then is hits.

Spewing from my lower gut. Refusing me that freshly made waffle. I dare not open my mouth or all of me might gush out onto the floor. Tears try to form but I can't make a sound. The twirling in my stomach wants to irrupt. I hold it in.

Turn on all the lights. Position nicknacks to appear naturally placed. Fold the blanket with much purpose and toss it across the back of the couching hoping it looks hap-haphazardly.

Pause. Deep breath. Gaze at the ceiling in disbelief.

Continue meticulously combing through every element of each room. Smell checking. Fluff. Rotate. Unlock. Dust.

My mind can't leave it. My attempt at OCD cannot hide my sin. No words can make this ooozing of humanity stop or even slow. I am nauseous. Defeated. Discussed.

I want to give up. I want to curl up in a ball and cry out my excuses to justify myself; to make the hurt go away. My bones ache with the sin eating away at them. I want to delete the ugliness everyone has seen. That my God, whom I claim to love with all my being, has seen.

Life does not work that way. We cannot pretend our sin has no effect.

Now what? My inner most parts irrupt with remorse but it does not take it away. Do I sit immoveable by guilt? I want to...Satan wins.

Then WHAT? What do I do now? I know I have been forgiven. For this very sin. 15 years ago- He said past, present, future; All Forgiven. I press forward. Surrendered. I have nothing aside from His grace.

Redeem my sinfulness. Make little of me. Make much of you so they may only say, "Hallelujah! Look What God Can Do!"

I haven't written something real in a long time.

I don't really know why. My girls are finally getting the hang of sharing a room so I've got consistent time when they're in be to "write". I've been working here and there on my 20 Days of Giveaways. That's a bigger undertaking than I wanted to believe but isn't really taking that much time. I've been working here and there on baby shower stuff I get to help host for my awesome long-awaited-mommy-to-be friend up in Fayetteville. But since it's not in August, I have plenty of time to take care of that stuff. I've been traveling a little more than normal... I'm not really sure why I've been avoiding REALness and posting mainly pictures with minimal story behind them, info about new advertisers, and lots of how-tos.

I feel kind of jaded right now. I keep waiting for "something amazing I guess"-The Incredible. I feel slightly empty. Exhausted. Lifeless. I don't feel present in most of what I'm doing. Maybe lack of purpose is the culprit. Ya know, real purpose! The good stuff. Eternal stuff. I keep focusing on there here and now. Accomplishing something just to get some kind of shot of "productivity" as though "accomplishment" is my addiction. This waiting game sitting in a house for sale while anticipating a move to being a new work in a new town- ugg! More hanging out with my Maker would prolly help me figure out what's "broken".

I really enjoy that God's giving me the chance to help {minimally} supplement my families income and still vow that I won't share, promote, or advertise anything that I don't advocate. I even noticed I hadn't been there for my kids. I mean, I'm here in the house with them nearly 24/7 or at least around them All The Time but lacking that life-giving presence. I tried "playing" more but some how I even seemed to pervert that by turning them all into posts or photo opps. I have an unfounded fear that I'm gonna need all these pictures someday to remember things. All the way through school my crutch was that I have a terrible memory. I even have a hard time remembering names of people I see often. I could be staring at a familiar face with complete confusion because I have no idea what their name is or where I should remember them from. Maybe that's where the fearful need to take pictures comes from. Who knows. I vividly remember my mom telling me in high school to put the camera down and "live" the moments I was trying to capture. Yeah, its been an obsession for that long. {ca-bang! shot that random rabbit I was chasing... hehe}

Oh no, I think this confession post is leading me to a camera fast...let's not be hasty here. Hmmm

Okay, currently I just want a little more accountability to LIVE. I lover writing. I truly believe it's my outlet. Writing things is a way I dump out all that's floating in my head. Getting it out sometimes helps me sot through the junk that's been building up in there. I don't want to be a "how-to" blog {even though I love sharing what I'm learning in practical realms and won't stop those}. I want to be a transparent life for fellow Christ-followers as well as yet-to-follow-Christ readers to relate to, learn from, be encouraged by, grow with.

Will you help me in this by "joining the conversation" on posts? I have  hard time putting myself out there and never knowing if it reaches anyone. I have trouble continuing down that path feeling very selfish and one-sided. It's weird for me when friends/people walk up to me and talk about something they read months ago on my blog and I had no idea they were even readers. It's awkward for stalkers others to know everything about me and my family and me to know nothing of importance about them. I would love to actually build relationships!

How can we build a relationship you ask?

I'm smiling even thinking that you might have asked that! Here are some options to help start building our relationship:

• leave comments in the easy to use Facebook comment thingy or under the "join the conversation" section
• comment or message me on Facebook
• email me at Jules at as Jules is going dot com

My promise to you: I WILL ALWAYS CONTINUE THE CONVERSATION!

Here's the scary part- Publish. My hubs reads this thing and when he hears this, he'll keep me accountable. Accountability can be scary... Well, Here's to being REAL!