That Night…

Revealing as little as possible, I called my hubs to tell him that my appointment that day went fine and I was heading home. It was a Wednesday, so he was getting the kids ready and heading to Relentless {youth group} and Awanas. When I got home I had just missed them leaving for our normal routine of grabbing drive-thru dinner and eating it in the van parked in the parking lot of the church. I wandered inside trying to seem nonchalant. I went to the bathroom and sluggishly headed to my computer. As I sat on the couch, acting like I was checking my email {for the benefit of who, I don’t know}, I finally went to Google. I typed in the words scribbled on that prescription pad of doom. “Celexa”

Just as I dreaded! Tears welled up in my eyes just reading the listing that topped the page. Without even clicking into the article my fears were a reality.

I began to sob. My biggest fear right there on the screen. “I am crazy.”

Before you go all psycho on me in the comment section {pun intended}, like I said before. I was a psychology major. I went through the classes. I know all the right things to tell someone else and would whole-heatedly believe it. “Mental health issues are no different than physical ones.” “Depression is often a chemical imbalance not a result of not trusting Christ with situations.” “It’s okay to handle depression with medicine; it’s not just a ‘selfish disorder’ you need to ‘work through.’” Oh yeah, I wouldn’t blink an eye before comforting someone else through this “diagnosis.” But all those fears of being labeled shot back into my mind. The ironic part was, crying at the sight of the word “depression” was probably a good indication I was…Depressed.

I sat, sunk into my couch. Hunched over, computer still in my lap, I trying to gather my thoughts, my fears, myself. My attempt at being self-controlled and level headed through prayer all went out the window. I knew who I was said to be in Christ. I knew I was a child of Christ. Loved. Cherished. Made with a purpose. But Satan had taken a stronghold in this dark place.

I cleaned myself up and set off to help Matt at Relentless for the night. A friend working beside me said, “How are you Julie? You look…tired. You don’t seem to be yourself.” “I’m okay. I guess I am tired.” I hadn’t been myself. I’d been using all my energy to remember what it was like to be me. This night, I was tired. Too tired to try. I just wanted to cry.


To Be Continued...

 Three Part Series {on depression}

    1. That Day... {monday}
    2. That Night... {tuesday}
    3. The Pickup... {wednesday}

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  1. hey girl! i take great comfort in the thought of Elijah going through depression. he wanted to die. i understand that. Elijah loved God, but was overwhelmed w/ emotion and slept. He is one of my faves because of this. well, that and the whole chariot of fire thing. 🙂 love that you’re doing this series. we all need it. Love you!

    • Katie, I love you girl!!! Thank you for the reminder of Elijah. I never really thought about him being depressed. I would say get’n out of this world in flaming vehicle Definitely qualifies someone for fave status! ;o)

  2. I have huge respect for you being so transparent. I myself have struggled with depression and the use of meds to help it. I have decided that taking the medicine helps me better identify my triggers and more willingly turn to Christ rather than wallow and burrow in self-pity. You are incredibly brave to put it all out there and you have been through so many changes in so little time. God gives grace in our weakness and he longs for us to come to him with our laments and not “hide” our true emotions from him even though he already knows it, he has great joy when we turn to him as David did again and again to share his emotions good or bad! Love you dearly!

    • Megan, you {and other family member’s} honesty with me about the use of anti-depressants really helped making the decision a lil easier. Now that I’ve gone through this place I am trying to learn where to go now. How to run back to Him after hiding and what this next season looks like. Love ya bunches Meg!

  3. I suffered from postpartum depression after both girls were born… It took me several months to realize what I was feeling after Katy was born was more then the “baby-blues” and it took me sobbing at a well child physical because Katy was crying for my (family pratice) doctor to realize it too… I took Zoloft in a small dose and was feeling back to normal within a month. My biggest regret was not speaking up sooner… So much of her first few months of life I remeber in a blur of feeling love for her but overwhelming sadness a lot too…With Allison I didn’t want to assume it would occur again, so I held off until she was a month old, but I recognized what I was feeling and told the doctor right away… I am so glad I did. I remember much more joy in her early months!

    • Rebecca my friend! I’m so glad we’ve met!
      I wish I would have noticed it so much sooner! A year after my baby being born, I was so good at denying it, it was easy to hide. I regret all that lost time! And like I told Megan, I am having trouble finding where to go now. I’ve been in “this place” for a year and 1/2 now. It became the norm. I’m also trying to test the waters with how to ‘get off’ the meds. I’ve been taking them for ~6months now. I really didn’t want to be a lifer. I’ve missed a couple days and a lot of that tension built back up so fast you would’ve though it was on an Extreme Makeover show. I have guilt that I can’t control it or “depend on God” {the more Christian thing to say} enough to handle it without medication. I see it in my kids. I see it in their misbehavior. I have mom guilt all the time about not being about to give them the energy they need {or needed} and feel like that’s the issue. I think I may be starting the next part of this series right here in the comment section ;0)
      Thanks so much for sharing your struggle with me. It really does help to know others out there going through or having gone through the same stuff.

  4. Take it from me, you have to wean slowly off the meds… Stopping cold turkey, even for a few days will create a worse imbalance, and make you feel like you are going seriously crazy… I learned this the hard way. If you feel ready to come off the meds talk to your doctor and he/she will create a plan to wean you off them.
    We all have things we struggle with… I feel like postpartum depression was a blessing too… I am much more sympathetic to those who struggle with depression and other mental illnesses and know know beyond a shadow of a doubt that these are illnesses like any other illness and I would never think badly of someone who has heart disease taking medicine for it. (Or tell them to just lean on the Lord and give up their high blood pressue meds!) The blessing was that my imbalance was situational and I only had this struggle following pregnancy, so many people struggle with depression for a lifetime.
    Also remember you are currently parenting in the trenches… I think I’ve said it to you before, but I’ll say it again… Parenting young children is like shoveling in a blizzard… It feels thankless, over whelming and it is hard to see any real progress. You are a great mom, who loves the Lord first her husband second and her children more then her self. Just keep claiming the Lord’s promises and you’ll be fine. If it makes you feel any better, cognitive memory doesn’t set in until between 7 & 8 so your kids will only remember their impressions and “snap shot” like memories of this period… Maybe that is the Lord’s way of giving us parents a learning curve!

    • You sure do have a way with words! You made me smile, well up with tears of joy, gave me peace and literally LOL! Thank you!!!
      I can totally see the “CRaZy” setting in with cold turkey. I would totally agree that God is going to use this “for good” and I’m already learning what some of that is.
      I get great comfort in knowing I’m in the trenches. A lot of days I feel like it’s all in vain. Just ask my hubs. This week I’ve been running in circles, stating boundaries over and over and over and over and over and over again. That alone is exhausting. And I think I wanna homeschool. There are many days I need a long quiet break!
      I LOVE that kids won’t really remember until after 7! Although, my 4ro has a scary good memory already. I tell her things to remember for Me.

  5. Hang in there… I am on the other side of this parenting gig and there are two things I’ve learned for sure… #1 Proverbs 22:6 is a promise and God keeps his promises! You do the “training” and the Lord will fulfill his promise that when they grow they will not depart from it! (Isn’t our God great… We only have to worrry about the now… the “training” and he will handle the tomorrow part!) and #2 Is that this is just a season… By the time you are homeschooling (if that is what the Lord calls you to do) these will be completely different kids… (We home schooled Katy all the way through and Allison is going to public school for her Junior & Senior years… I miss homeschooling every day and am blessed to hear my girls telling their fiance’ and husband about their “amazing” childhood… Both have chosen to homeschool their children when the time comes!) Also remember, parenting when done right you work yourself out of a job pretty quickly… I know… I must have blinked because yesterday Katy was playing with her American Girl Dolls and today she is a wife!

    • Great wisdom Rebecca! I need to have YOU write a guest post on parenting for me and my readers! For Real! We’ll chat via email if you’re interested!
      So much here I don’t even know where to start.
      I am worried I’m messing up the ‘TRAINING’. I feel so exhausted and stretched I feel like I’m totally off my game. I thought I had it all together with our 1st one. Before 2 more came along 18 months and 30 months later. Ugg
      I dropped the ball on preschool ‘homeschooling’ this last year so now I don’t trust myself to get with it. I’d like to start planing for this fall now. Maybe that will give me some confidence.

  6. First of all… I’d be honored to guest post, you are so sweet to ask… Just let me know what you want and when you want it! 🙂 And second, homeschooling is easier than you think… I would be happy to help you in any way you need to get started! As far as homeschooling preschool… I’ve seen your play room on here… You have it handled! Constructive play is about 90% of preschool!

    • YAY! I’ll have to give it a lil thought and get on that. ;o)
      I know all the right things about preschool after working in at least 2 really good ones but it’s the consistency. My oldest is scary smart and remember things so easily so it takes no effort on my part but soon she’ll be smarter than me. Like…next spring. Iz, she likes to challenge me with that adorable grin. I never know what she knows. She likes it that way.

  7. Thank you so much for linking up to Into the Word Wednesday. As I’m reading through your series I saw myself. I’ve said more than one time…not said cried i’m not crazy, I’m not crazy i’m not crazy. I wasn’t crazy i was depressed and still am sometimes. My husband was my rock and made the appointment and went to it with me. I cried through the whole thing and no one but he and my drs and now you know it. That was about 5 years ago. I’ve been on medication ever since and nothing has ever been that bad since. Thank you for telling your story. God is using your encouragement.

    • Kelly, I am honored that you would share that very personal and private time in you life with me. It really does feel like you’re “crazy” doesn’t it. You’re not yourself and you can’t figure out what has taken over. Some times your so far in that you can’t see clearly. I love that your husband was there for you and walked through all that with you. I am also comforted to hear that you are still taking medicine. I know most of us on anti-depressants dream of the day we’ll be “normal” again {aka Rx Free}. But that may not happen for you and I until we are HOME with our creator who can heal us completely. Thank you for reading!

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